The Grief Wheel

Society tells a lot of untruths about grief. These are probably not malicious lies, in fact, even churches, family, and friends fall prey to these myths, placing unrealistic expectations on us. It can feel like everyone else is reading the (fictitious) manual, 3 Easy Steps to Feel Normal Again, while you are still in the dark. Here are a few of these myths that you may believe. Hopefully, clarifying some of these will enable you to treat yourself with more grace. As a side note, if you have put these expectations on others, now is the time to alter course.

Myth #1 If I feel guilty, after my loss, I had control over the outcome.

Satan is “the accuser of the brethren”. He loves it when people feel guilty. Guilt is often the mind’s desperate grab for the illusion of control. We look for someone to blame to convince ourselves that there was a way to prevent the loss. With guilt, we find ourselves to be the 'culprit', because admitting we were helpless is terrifying, and so we fill the void with ‘What ifs.’

“What if I had called earlier?” “What if I had said something?”

We choose the burden of guilt over the insecurity of powerlessness, But helplessness isn't something you can fix; it can only be accepted.

Myth #2 Grief moves in 5, neat and predictable states.

Grief is not linear; it is chaotic and messy.

Kubler Ross’s 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, were originally observed in people facing their own illness. It is not a checklist for people experiencing general bereavement.

Stages of grief are emotions you bounce between, not steps on a staircase you climb once and finish.

You might feel depression on Tuesday and then anger on Friday. You may start lunch with denial and finish with acceptance. If you find yourself in denial for the second time, it is not a failure, it’s just how grief works.

Myth #3 Feeling Joy means I am forgetting them.

"Moving forward" is not the same as "moving on". Moving on implies leaving their memory behind. When we move forward, we carry their memory with us into tomorrow.

Sometimes people feel intense shame if they feel a brief moment of happiness. In loss, you may feel joy and sorrow at the same time, one does not have to cancel the other out. You can carry their memory with you as you make new connections.

Myth #4 There is a right way to mourn.

It is true that there are wrong ways to try to cope with loss (substance abuse, avoidance). Those aside, grief is unique. Everyone experiences it differently. Do you feel like you are crying too much? Or maybe you haven’t cried at all. You aren’t grieving wrong, just different.

Myth #5 God is distant and unconcerned with my pain.

When you feel abandoned, taking big steps may feel impossible. You don’t have to fix your whole spiritual life today. If all you can do is open a Bible app, or send a one-line text to a friend, that is enough. Grace meets you where you are, it is a part of the journey.

Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden ad I will give you rest, take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, you will find rest for your souls For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. - Matthew 11:28-30